Now through my blog I am praying that healing and complete forgiveness can take place with my children and everyone else involved.
WARNING: I AM VERY REAL IN THIS AND YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ IT.
"I have yet to arrive"
comes from the scripture,
Philippians 1:6 "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.
Family is suppose to be like penguins. You are not suppose to leave your post once you have children. You are suppose to completely protect them at all costs and wait patiently for the storm to pass.
I was married for almost 10 years to my first husband. My high school sweet heart. We had 3 of the most beautiful children ever. Those children were my whole life. Kaila, Kolten and Karlee. We spent almost half our marriage in the military. Then we moved back to Missouri, where everything just fell apart.
I was very much against drinking. My husband at the time was not. I had dealt with the drinking for almost 11 years and had decided I was done with it. I grew up with alcohol in my life and I was not going to stand for it being in my children's life.
I am explaining all this because I am serving the Lord now. Had I been the faithful Christian I am now, I may not have been so easily tempted to give up on my family situation or even judge my x-husband as harshly as I did. But it amazes me how God even turns the worst of things into good.
My children had to see a lot of arguing. More then they should ever have had to see. But it still was not the most horrible life they could live. Between me and my friends and family and my own children, I had convinced myself it was the worst life anyone should ever have to live. Don't get me wrong, it was the best, but is sure was not the worst. Nothing that God could not handle.
So as I was going to church each week and trying to figure out what to do with my non Christian husband who did not believe the way I did and did not live the life I wanted him to live, I was tempted and tried. I gave in and failed. I was lured (by satan of course, and my own desires) into a relationship with a man who would become my boyfriend for almost 4 years.
In that 4 years I chose him over my children. I became this pathetic mother who could not breathe without this man. I became obsessive over this relationship, determined to make it work at any cost. The relationship was never meant to work. In fact it should have NEVER happened. I was still married when it started and even though I had left my husband already, I was not divorced and this was not of God. I knew this and he knew this. The relationship was equally dangerous for both of us and we both knew it. But suffered through it for almost 4 years.
My divorce took place within two months of me seeing this other man. It was a quick divorce. I never took time to even mourn the loss of my family being together. I was to involved in making sure this other man never left me. It wasn't until years later that I mourned the loss of my children's daddy being out of the picture and hurting him so badly.
In the meantime, I had 3 precious babies that at that time were the (ages 12, 11 and 5) that had to see there mommy lay in bed for days, weeks, months and wait for the phone to ring or wait for him to just come over and see her. I was a sick puppy, that is for sure. I ate very little and became very much under weight. I became very co-dependent and very weak.
I would leave them home to tend to each other so that I could go and be with my boyfriend. And when we would break up, which would happen often, I would grab the kids and go on a road trip to my sisters in Wisconsin or my friends in Illinois. I would just up and leave. No warning, we would just get in the car and go. The kids liked that part of my illness. But I was creating great big wounds that one day would come back to haunt me.
I am not proud of what I did. In fact as I write this it still hurts that I was that selfish to have put this man before my children, my God and even my own life. I was very sick. I was living a lie. I was living in a make believe world. One that did not exist. I did not do drugs or drink or hang out with bad people. But I was an addict. I was addicted to this sick relationship I was in. I was to blame for this. I became this very weak, sick individual that could not live without validation from this man. I blamed him for my misery for years. My children hated him and blamed him as well. They watched me wither to nearly nothing due to the extreme depression I slipped into. They became my friends and I became their child. Mostly my oldest daughter. She was my go to person. I would beg her to tell me what to do. I needed her to help me out of this. Not knowing that I was destroying her very being.
I did not understand at the time what I was doing to my children. I was creating such an insecurity in them. They still slept in bed with me until they were the ages of 13,12, and 7. This was the ages of my children when I finally got a clue and started to get better...This is when God truly shook me and woke me up. I was not seeing right for years. Suddenly, I could see again.......
WATCH FOR THE REST OF THE STORY...IT GETS BETTER...I PROMISE...
